Lessons for a father - One In 7 Billion

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We are about to get into a new year. For some of us this is the time of new year resolutions. We will, perhaps, try to be better, faster, stronger and smarter in the new year. This holiday season and the new year will also give us an opportunity to introspect and make sure we are at least on the path to where we want to be.

Let us, then, look at ourselves as we are. We represent ourselves through a very layered means. We are a species and a gender. We are the people of a nation. We have a language (or in some cases multiple languages) that we use to communicate. We have the color of our skin. We have a certain height and a certain weight. We have a name. But that is just the obvious bit.

In addition we also have our dreams and ambitions. We have our values, our accomplishments and our challenges. We have our beliefs and our stories. 

Our sum total is what we are and what we want to be. That is what makes us, us. The definition of "me", for anyone, is so complex and nuanced that it is impossible to create another of that. 

Think about it. Is there anyone else in the world, in a large group of more than 7 billion people, that has the same story as you? No, I wouldn't think so. What does that make us then? It makes us unique and one of a kind.

We do ourselves a disfavor when we compare ourselves to someone else. They have their own stories to live through. We are writing and living through our own.

In the new year, among other things, let us make a commitment. Let us continue getting better and doing what needs to be done but not at the loss of our true self. All of us have a purpose and turning ourselves into something that we are not, and losing our uniqueness in the process, is not going to fulfill our purpose. 

In the meantime, have a great new year and I hope the new year brings you peace, prosperity, and above all else, the strength to be you.

Lessons for a father - Our Own Schrödinger’s Cat

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The Premise Of The Thought Experiment

Schrödinger wanted people to imagine that a cat, poison, a Geiger counter, radioactive material, and a hammer were inside of a sealed container. The amount of radioactive material was minuscule enough that it only had a 50/50 shot of being detected over the course of an hour. If the Geiger counter detected radiation, the hammer would smash the poison, killing the cat. Until someone opened the container and observed the system, it was impossible to predict the cat’s outcome. Thus, until the system collapsed into one configuration, the cat would exist in some superposition zombie state of being both alive and dead. (read detail here)

Why Is A Zombie Cat Important To Us?

Let us think of the cat as a metaphor for all our fears, deficits and insecurities. If we keep them all shut inside we would never know whether the "cat" (in terms of fears, weaknesses and insecurities) is alive or dead. What do we do then? We check on it. We open the door of our hearts and head and make sure we know where we are. Then, we do something about it.

It hardly matters what we do in life. We could be teachers, engineers, lawyers, architects or chefs. We could be home builders or doctors. All of us have something that we would like to be better at. For some it is communication. For others, it is learning a new language or keeping up with the changing IT structure around the world. Bring out the fear and conquer it.

Another Thought

Another way of looking at the metaphor is for leaders and managers around the world. Without really knowing the people that we work with, all we can do is "assume" that they are doing well and are being looked after. At that time, without us working with them and seeing for ourselves, all we have is a zombie state where it becomes impossible to know whether the team that looks up to us is actually doing well.

So what do we do about this form of our own Schrödinger’s Cat? We MUST know our teams. We MUST know what makes them tick.We MUST invest in the human potential and spend time with them (I have written about it in the past too - here). If we do not know who we work with at a human level, we are not leaders. We merely manage.

Schrödinger claimed that quantum superposition did not work on big organisms like cats (or humans for that matter). We cannot be dead or alive at the same time. But, I think, the basic premise of the thought experiment still holds. Unless we open the doors of our hearts and heads, all we deal with is a lack of knowledge and, quite possibly, zombies.

Lessons for a father - Wisdom Or Wealth?

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There used to, in the south of India, live a kid called Ramalingam. One day he was given the boon to choose between wealth and wisdom. He had to drink from one of the 2 bowls (each signifying either wealth or wisdom). He mixed the contents and drank them and thus became wise and wealthy and became famous by the name of Tenali Raman. There are a lot of stories about him that we, in India, read and listen to while growing up.

While watching the series with my son now, I realized that the question and what Tenali Raman did were very pertinent. Given a choice, what would most of us choose? Wisdom or wealth? According to the story one was incomplete without the other. But are they?

Wealth would signify abundance. If we think strictly in terms of material things like money and clothes, a lot of us, although we might never admit it, would be able to be without wealth. If, however, we start treating things like generosity, human strength, diversity, learning and faith as wealth, we MUST all get wealthy.
 
Wisdom, according to someone, is a habit or disposition to perform the action with the highest degree of adequacy under any given circumstance. It is also, sometimes, interchangeably used with self-awareness. If we are self aware we see things a lot differently. The world is a very strange place and a lot of times what we think should happen never happens. Wisdom would allow us to know and understand that.

Tenali was correct. Wealth and wisdom are related indeed. Whether it is the material or something a little deeper, the wise go after true wealth.

In the days ahead then, I hope that we all enjoy the wealth of wisdom that allows us to achieve greatness. And always remember what the great Einstein once said:

“Any fool can know. The point is to understand.”

Lessons for a father - The Softness Of Familiarity

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Our son loves playing on the carpet. Its softness allows him to be himself and play without a lot of physical risk. Whether it is a "perfectly" executed somersault or walking around on all fours, he loves it because it is something he has grown up with. It is familiar. It is friendly and it is always there.

On our trip to India this month, there were multiple instances where, quite unlike his home in the USA, there weren't any carpets. There were hard tiles and somersaults on tiles hurt. Jumping off stairs onto hard floors is not as soft as well. Instead of discouraged by the hard "enemy" he faced, he realized that sliding on a hard surface is so much more fun than on the carpet. There came the "lemonade" and our pride coupled with another headache. He would try and slide everywhere!

Adversity gave rise to experimentation which gave way to new found ways of having fun (or reaching his goal).

How many times in our lives do we give up simply because what we are familiar with and know is taken away from us? We stop having fun with what we do because we do not know how to deal with "hard tiled floors" in our lives and miss our "carpet".

Apparently all we require is to keep our goal in mind and deal with adversity in the best possible way we can. If we cannot somersault we should jump. If we cannot jump, we must slide!

Well done son! Now STOP...there are people watching and feeling bad for not doing this themselves ;)

Lessons for a father - The Great Indian Wedding

If you have never participated in an Indian wedding, I would highly recommend that you do so at your earliest convenience. A good Indian wedding is one of the most beautiful experiences you will have.  There is an abundance of everything. A multitude of colors greet you, warmth accompanies you and the food leaves a lasting impression. The Gods visit and stay to make sure us puny humans are doing things right. What continues to be the most important, however, is the people element.

An Indian wedding can either be a dream or a nightmare. The logistics involved, alone, can break a person. Strong are those that make one of these successful. Extremely courageous are those that have charge of more than one in their lives.

I had the good luck of participating in the Great Indian Wedding of one of my own this past week. I cannot begin to describe the experience. My attempt to explain the last week in words would be like someone visiting the Grand Canyon and telling you that it is big and beautiful. It won’t measure up. You have to be there to see what big and beautiful means. It is almost exactly the same for an Indian wedding. You have to live through one, and survive, to tell the tale.  

Lessons for a father, a brother, a son, a husband, a friend and for any human being interested in being successful were many. 

Every event is a project that must meet very high expectations. Every such project has at least 5 sub projects that come together at the end to make the whole. And yes, all of them are priority 1s. Every person involved, especially close relatives, is a client that must leave happy and contented. Lower priority issues, if any, surface unexpectedly and, if not controlled properly, can take the shape of a very big deal (read: sanity threatening) very fast. 

Add to all this my personal favorite. We, Indians that is, still like the personal touch in giving and receiving invitations. None of this new age RSVP’ing and confirming works. So, at any given time, we never know who and exactly how many are attending the ceremonies. It is a guess at best and, like guesses work, is usually wrong.

So what did I learn from the Great Indian Wedding of this week. I think some, most or all of them hold true in almost anything we do:

• ALWAYS have owners of tasks. A task that does not have named owners will have a very high probability of not completing (or starting at all).
• ALWAYS go in with at least 1 second/ back up option wherever possible. Relying, for example, on a single florist to deliver the roses at 7 am might not be a great idea.
• Make sure that you take care of your own people. Those misses are the ones that really hurt.
• Make sure that everyone involved knows what needs to be done, why it needs to be done and what your expectations of quality are. Remember, sometimes good enough is perfect.
• Have a team of very reliable people around you that can think and take decisions by themselves. We might have to look, unapologetically, outside of the core to make this team.
• Make sure that the level and quality of communication is very high at all times.
• Don’t take on or work on things that are really not important and can wait.
• Sharpen your negotiation skills. It never hurts to be a good negotiator in no matter what we do.
• Rest, rest, rest, rest, rest. Take a break whenever possible. No problem ever got solved with tired and sleepy people.

I am sure that there are numerous more lessons one can take home from an Indian wedding. It is indeed the Grand Canyon of all ceremonies. We are happy that our own started a new life and we were there to celebrate this new beginning with them. Our coming together and being in one place for, and with, each other was what was important. 

Everything else was and always will be just a great show!

Lessons for a father - The Art Of Making It Work

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I was having a conversation with my Dad a few days ago. The conversation involved stories of his growing  up days in our native town. One of those stories was how his studies (which, incidentally, helped him become one of the top doctors in the country) had to revolve around all the chores that any farming family have to do on a daily basis.

The story goes thus. Being the youngest of his brothers and sisters, and part of a joint family, there was a lot to do. Work started before the sun came up and ended, usually, way after the sunset. In between, there was school to attend and any school assignments to complete. Work also involved helping his older brothers finish their assignments.

Telling his Dad and brothers that he would not be able to finish a task was apparently unacceptable. All their workloads increased further if anyone saw them sitting around - even as they worked on completing school assignments. 

So how does someone accomplish personal goals in the midst of high, and ever increasing, expectations and work load?

In my father's words - by making it work against all odds. The lesson holds true for just about anything we do.

He had carved space out in the middle of the sugarcane field specifically for studying. In his "down time" he would go sit there and study hard. Instead of concentrating on the amount of time spent, he would maximize the focus he brought to his work. By doing so he has been able to, over the years, accomplish a lot more in a small period of time. 

Lesson: At any given time, do exactly what you are doing and nothing else even if you do it for a few minutes.

Bigger lesson: If you want something, do everything you can to get it. The world is never going to wait for you to find the right time. Accomplishments might involve working around an existing system.

An inspirational lesson for a father from his father. Thank you Dad!

Lessons for a father - This Too Shall Pass!

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Ever heard of that famous king that asked for wisdom in the form of words that always held true? The wise people of his court came up with: "This Too Shall Pass!". There are multiple variations of the story but the wisdom behind the statement still holds true.

Rudyard Kipling, in his memorable "If", mentioned both Triumph and Disaster as imposters. His reference was to our successes and failures in life and how they both go hand in hand and never stay constant. The king's wisdom to accept the phrase was corroborated in this piece of fine poetry.

The case of resting on our laurels or going to a point of no return with our failure stands on very shaky ground indeed. We all go through a cycle, called life, where we meet with the ups and downs in both professional and familial capacity. There are good days and bad days. We win and we lose. The idea should be to live a life where we are ready for whatever is behind the closed door that we are about to open. We are continuously dealt a hand. Let us be ready to make lemonade.

I am blessed to have a partner in life that meets any situation with a very simple "we got this". Once I started paying more attention to what she said (both in times of joy and challenge) and how she said it, I realized that it had a very calming effect on me. "We got this" meant we were ready for whatever life was throwing at us and, more importantly, I had a partner that I could trust and rely upon to be with once all was said and done.

I am not advocating for not living life to the fullest and staying "in the lane" of enormous self control. What I believe in, however, is being ready for whatever is next in our lives.

Let us celebrate not the wins and the losses, but the strength that goes into dealing with both. Let us celebrate the people that live through it with us. Let us, definitely, celebrate the current moment because, guess what - this too shall pass.

Lessons for a father - Pistachios Anybody?

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I love pistachios! We cannot finish a trip to the local wholesale store without me getting my hands on them. Looks like, luckily, we have been able to transfer the same pistachio love to our son too!

While going through our last batch of the amazing nut, a thought came to my mind. The process of eating them resembled our lives so much.

The box of pistachios represented, to me, opportunities that we get in our lives. To get to the fruit, we had to put in hard work. If we work hard enough, we will, once in a while, get an opportunity, in the form of nuts that are already cracked open. What we do with the fruits of our labor is completely up to us. 

What I also realized that even after putting in hard work, some nuts are going to be bad. We often face situations like that in real life. After a lot of effort, all we get is failure. And just like our relationship with the pistachios, we must brush failure aside and move on.

Another truth that I realized was how much better the overall experience was when I started sharing the fruits of my labor with my wife and kid. I had this vision of what I wanted to do with my opportunities. Their addition and, in turn, our collaborative teamwork gave rise to a whole another level of awesomeness.

There we go then. A box of pistachios and an open mind that is ready to be inspired can teach us all we need to know about dealing with opportunities, hard work, failure and success and our continuous march forward. 

The box of pistachios is a metaphor of course. Life is not that easy. There are multiple nuances to whatever it is that we deal with. But, and we must admit this, our evolution into a better form of our selves does involve conditions that are way simpler than we think. Sometimes all that is required is for us to crack open a few pistachios and enjoy what comes out.

Lessons for a father - Awesomeness As A Service

In a world being lead by technology and information, almost everything can be grabbed from or put into the Cloud. We are not bound by geography to get to things that are important to us. We do not carry huge files, heavy machines and bulky printouts to share information. We use the Cloud to access everything from software to infrastructure as a service.

All the technological innovation, and it is great where it is, still cannot provide human interaction and behavior over the Internet. We still have to talk. We have to lead. We have to love and care and respect. The tools might be easily accessible but someone still needs to use them. Someone still has to be human.

There is little else that I hate, professionally, than the phrase "that is not my job". I hate it not because I find the phrase invalid but because more and more people seem to use it to get away from things that are for the greater good of the organization.

With the tools and their easy availability we should find it easier to do and be more. The lack of knowledge in the Age of Information is a very transient condition and can be removed with simply "Googling" things. Then why is it that we shy away from being downright awesome?

My resume, then, can say that I am a software engineer. It can let the reader know that my job was to build applications in various programming languages. On the other hand, my resume can instead say that being a software engineer was just part of my job. Other things included:

• Helping people become the best version of themselves.
• Adding value to people's lives while listening to them, laughing with them and being available on not-so-good days.
• Never stopping to learn.
• Trying to develop a better "me" daily.
• Representing my organization's values both while being at and not being at work.
• Communicating with the goal being clarity and optimal detail.
• Giving more than receiving in the form of kindness and generosity.
• Lastly, and most importantly, being the best father, son, husband, friend and leader that I can.

Yes, my primary job function is to create software. My role at home is that of a husband and father. The roles are different, but there is an implicit requirement in no matter what I do - the goal remains to provide awesomeness as a service.

Lessons for a father - The Ripple Effect

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Leadership does not emanate from someone that has something that a non-leader does not. My belief is everyone has leadership in them. Whether we choose to lead or not is not dependent on not having leadership. It is based on, usually, a very conscious choice.

Exuding positiveness or negativity, happiness or anger is also, usually, a deliberate affair. Saying out loud to ourselves, and following up on it, for example, that I will be happy today no matter what happens might set a day in motion that ends up being exactly that - happy.

If we choose to be angry, we will, ultimately and undoubtedly, find something that sets us off and turns possibly a good day into a bad one for us and for others.

So how do we lead everyone around us into a time of happiness? One way would be by being the pebble that causes The Ripple Effect.

The Ripple Effect

Think of a grand lake. What, possibly, could a small pebble do to a lake? If you are ever close to one, try throwing a small stone into the lake. You might see the ripples that you cause with that small stone and your conscious action of throwing it in the lake. 

What if we replicate the same behavior but in a human setting? In a still lake of humanity, in the form of people that surround us, what if we continuously throw pebbles of happiness and positive thoughts? What follows, with the spread of waves of goodness, is the ripple effect. It can even be looked as a "pay it forward" program at a much bigger level.

The same, unfortunately, holds true for negative behavior as well. Think of an executive that displays negative emotions to their managers who in turn pass it down. That behavior can also create The Ripple Effect, but of a kind that we do not want.

You want the world to change: Be the pebble in the lake of your professional and familial lives. Be the cause of happiness and of growth and betterment and bringing out the goodness in people. 

Be what causes the Ripple Effect.

Lessons for a father - Taking Care Of The Whole Organism

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We are all a part of a multi-cellular organism called the world. We are also the components of our familial and professional structure. From playing the part of individual cells and doing very specific functions to working with other "cells" towards the overall good of the entire system, we do it all.

In doing all this, we work in a system, I think, that resembles the human body in more ways than one.

The skeletal system can quite easily be the core values that hold us strong as beings. The skin and muscles are what we have to offer - our art, our interface to the world. The nervous system is all about what and how we communicate. 

Does that resemble anything to you? To me it looks like an organization where different components come together to make it work. The teams that might constitute the organization (a multi-cellular organism) act as cells that work towards the greater benefit of it. A family (again a multi-cellular organism) too comprises of components that continually work towards making the family happy and healthy.

So, where do we tend to falter? At the cartilage, tendon and ligament level I would think.

Metaphorically, at least for me, the "support staff" tends to get ignored. If our bones are healthy, and we are working on our muscular strength and communicating well why do we need to take care of anything else?

Let me ask, how should we feel about doing good to others? Or, helping out people in need or in distress? Or better still, leading in a world that craves, but seems to shy away from leadership? In the grand scheme of things, they might seem way less important, but go through a ligament tear or a ruptured tendon and you would suddenly realize that there is something more to it than just the basics.

For us to be great as a whole, IQ and EQ both are important. We as a complex system have multiple components working together too. We tend to not strengthen what we think is less important. A more holistic approach to growth seems necessary.

Let us, then, take care of the entire organism not just part of it. Things that are usually categorized as "soft skills" are not deemed important when compared to being a good engineer, architect, nurse or a doctor. 

The issue is this: for us to be a good "anything" the support staff, the cartilage, tendon and ligament (leadership, faith, kindness, empathy for example) of our lives should be celebrated as well.

Lessons for a father - And The Nobel Goes To...

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The Nobel Peace Prize for this year was announced this week, and just like culture and history India and Pakistan now share a Nobel between them. The announcement is iconic in a lot of ways but very well deserved. Both the Nobel laureates continue to lead the world and act as shining lights in the lives of many in the world.

But, winning the Nobel doth not maketh a good leader, does it? So what is it in Kailash Satyarthi and Malala Yousafzay that makes people follow them? Courage. A lot of courage.

From the day Malala was shot by the Taliban to the first day that Kailash saved the first child from bonded labor, they have done little else but spread the word of peace, education and human rights. Both are ridding the world of vices that take childhood away from kids and throw them into a world that they are not ready for - that the children should not be facing. Both, Malala and Kailash, are heroes.

There is something else they do though. They lead. Even against all odds and no one giving them a chance of being successful, they lead from the front and make sure that girls get a chance to education (in the case of Malala Yousafzay) and that children do not spend their early years, full of innocence, in bonded labor or being exploited (in the case of Kailash Satyarthi). They fight stereotypes. They fight regimented efforts by their own people to do the worst you can do to another human - ignore them. They fight, though, with peace and love and forgiveness. And they fight not for themselves, but for others. Oh, wouldn't Mahatma Gandhi be proud?

Both the newly honored Nobel laureates also teach a very valuable lesson. Instead of accepting the status quo or giving up due to adversity, sometimes we need people to say, in the words of Kailash Satyarthi:

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

Great words of a great human being. This week and forever, the world salutes and thanks these heroes of humanity.

Lessons for a father - Do You Like To Breathe?

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Seriously, do you like to breathe? And this is not a loaded scientific-environmental question. Just a simple, do you like breathing? If, like me, your answer is in the affirmative, then you must also realize how important breathing is for us. It is so important, in fact, that without it we would not survive for too long.

How much continuous and conscious thought do we, then, put in to something that our life depends on? I give it next to nothing. I do not think about breathing all day. I feel a need to breathe and, without any thought whatsoever, I breathe in response.

If, however, I were to think about it, breathing would require the following parts of our body to work:

• Diaphragm
• Chest cavity
• Lungs
• Intercostal muscles
• Rib cage
• Nose/ Mouth
• Windpipe
• Bronchial tubes
• Alveoli (air sacs)
• Capillaries (blood vessels)
• Hemoglobin
• Pulmonary artery

A very good definition of breathing is available at the National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute's website (link is here). All that work with so many components coming together and working to let us live and we hardly think about it?

But, if we wanted to learn, get better at our art, help others, lead, get fitter or stronger, respect everyone, provide inspiration by what we do, how we talk and how we live, we think about it endlessly.

We will not die if we do not lead by example or inspire others and get better. We might stagnate as people but we will continue to exist. The result can be a lot more catastrophic if we stopped breathing.

What if, on the other hand, we transformed our thought process to accept that being happy, continuous self improvement, respect and care for others is like breathing? Instead of endlessly thinking about it, what if, just like breathing, we just do whatever needs to be done? Somethings might not work that simply. A lot of them will.

We spend so much time in analyzing and thinking that, sometimes, we do not give the "doing" enough time. What is the worst thing that can happen if the entire plan with all the nuances is not in place? We would fail. We would have to adapt and make changes. We would have to come up with a different plan. Sure. But, by that time we would know exactly what would not work.

Breathe. In. Out. Now, go do what you have always needed to do. A lot of times that is all it takes.

Lessons for a father - Multitasking Is A Myth

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There always seems to be a very human need to better ourselves. Sometimes this need manifests itself with our attempt to do multiple things at the same time. What we are doing, however, when we are multi-tasking is really just creating a perception of doing multiple things at the same time.

Human beings, that's us, are really like single core microprocessors. Under the guise of doing multiple things at the same time, what we are really doing is doing one thing for part of the time before we move to the next thing and then doing that for a little while. There is no multi-tasking. There is just time sharing and task shifting.

Consider this: in a normal day, we would have meetings, talk to people, send emails, all while doing our job. Being the multi-taskers that we all try to be, some of these tasks might overlap. In other words, we might attend a meeting while checking and replying to emails or excusing ourselves and attending phone calls. 

One way of looking at the situation is we accomplished 3 things in the same time period (over achiever anyone?). Another way of looking at it is we involved ourselves with 3 things and did not pay enough attention to any one of the 3. What is better then? Doing 3 things at the same time and not paying enough attention to detail or just 1 and being completely present?

It is not that easy to concentrate on 1 thing at a time either. Just the other day, I attended a phone call from work while taking care of our son. I had to do the best I could given the situation. Rest assured, I could not do a very good job of either, but lack of quality in both tasks was acceptable.

In situations that can be better managed though, here is what I do:

• Work on increasing our focus: According to various studies a walk of 5 - 10 minutes in a day, for example, has the capacity to do wonders to our attentiveness. I utilize these walks for one on one meetings sometimes.
• Decline meeting requests: We have been there. Our calendars get "double booked" and we try and attend both and pay attention to neither. 
• Prioritize and then commit: Prioritization of tasks would help us get a better handle on things. 

The idea is to not pretend to be something we are not. All of us work on one thing at a time. Simplifying how we live and work can go a long way in making sure we are not just doing our job but adding true value.

Lessons for a father - Life On Fire

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A friend of mine recently re-introduced me to the works of a 13th century Persian poet known more popularly in the English-speaking world simply as Rumi. 

One of his more famous quotes goes thus:

Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames.

It has become one of my personal favorites. The words of Rumi hold a lot of meaning. They speak of passion and true friendship and belief. All things that we can do a little more with. 

Here is what I think Rumi was talking about:

1. Believing in ourselves: No one ever and anywhere will believe in us and our abilities if we do not believe in ourselves. "Set your life on fire" has two very distinct words that stand out for me - "your" refers to us as the owners of our lives and destiny. We own what we have and what we do. 
2. Let that fire burn: The second is the word "fire". No matter what we do in life, it should be coupled with red hot passion. We should do what we do with so much zeal and hunger that it burns within us setting light to whatever and whoever we come in contact with. That light within us should also burn bright to show others the path and lead them to what they want to be successful at and show passion for.
3. Seek true friends and mentors: This is a hard task. The people that show up and respond when your chips are really down - those are the ones that we look for. How do we get friends like those? By being a friend like that first. By, first, investing in their well being and greatness, that is how. We should feel lucky and grateful if we get those that enable our passions and "fan our flames".

My friends are better than me in various ways. Some are better programmers than I am, others are better leaders. Even others are better at empathy and human values. I learn from all of them. They all make me better. I am thankful for them and what they bring to my life everyday. 

Something else that I think is implicitly said in Rumi's words is that we should continuously keep learning and adapting. That continuous influx of knowledge must act as the fuel that keeps our passion burning. Without lifelong learning and adapting to changing conditions and priorities we will remain susceptible to things that do not make sense in this fast changing world.

In the meantime, as the great Rumi said: "Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray".

Lessons for a father - Of Rights And Duties

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Rights are extremely important. They are responsible for the basic human dignity of all people and their right to live in freedom and with justice and equal opportunity. Some rights are ours because we are human. Others because we belong to a certain nation. Even others because we are a part of a select group. Generally speaking, rights allow us to do what we want to do and be what we want to be within reason.

Accompanying rights, however, is a special list that I always feel gets left out. This list is of duties. If someone takes our rights away, we have various entities to get help from. If however, and sadly at some level, we ignore our duties, there may be national ramifications but not legal ones.

This week, I invested some time in gathering a list of rights and duties that I have and I should hold myself accountable to. It is a very powerful and important list of our rights. It is also a fantastic list of my duties. Unfortunately, I realized that I have not been fulfilling my duties as well as I should.
 
Once I had assembled the lists, a couple of things came to mind.

1. A list of rights without duties seem incomplete.
2. We should have a list of rights and duties for work and family as well.

If our country gives us rights then it becomes our duty to give back. We might choose not to do that and no one can take us to prison for it, but fundamental duties continue to be moral and patriotic obligations that we owe to our country.

The same should hold true for professional teams and families that we are a part of. So I decided, this week, to create a list of rights and duties that I have towards my professional and home teams too.

List of Rights	List of Duties
Right to do what we want to do.	Duty to keep doing what we might not like to do.
Right to be irritated and angry at people.	Duty to keep smiling no matter what.
Right to find fault in others.	Duty to improve everything around us.
Right to be ignorant.	Duty to be open minded and appreciate diversity.
Right to resist change.	Duty to accept that change is inevitable.
Right to be all-knowing.	Duty to always be a work-in-progress.
Right to be an individual contributor.	Duty to realize that we could be leaders in whatever we do.
Right to have our version of the truth.	Duty to realize that truth does not suffer from versions.
Right to tell people how to be successful.	Duty to create an environment where success happens.
Right to enjoy status quo.	Duty to keep moving forward.
Right to have fun.	Duty to make sure that the fun is not on someone else's expense.
Right to learn.	Duty to learn.

This is not an a complete list. There are a lot more duties that I have towards my professional team and family. I have maintained that things happen to us because we let them happen. Our success and happiness is only dependent on what is within us. How we handle adversity, again, is a function of our inner character and strength. Blaming or giving credit to the world and others for what happens to us, usually, is a waste of time.

The rights on the left are sufficient for us to have and do our job. The list on the right might help us be more and add more to our lives and to lives of others.  In our attempt and with an intent to leave this world a place better than we had found, let us not forget the duties that we have towards ourselves.

Do you agree with the lists? What would you like to add or remove from it?

Lessons for a father - Lost? Stop. Ask For Directions.

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It is a very disconcerting feeling this - of being lost. It can, however, be also what starts a new chapter in our lives. It really come down to how we handle being lost.

The phrases that we use when we get lost range from "what am I doing" all the way to "I have no idea where I am". It can leave us confused and looking for genuine help and advice.

We all have been told that the mark of a person is a function of how well they handle adversity. I maintain that the strength of a person also lies in whether or not they question everything.

So yes, "where am I", "what am I doing", "should I really be doing this" can, very well, set the tone for confusion, ambiguity or the feeling of being lost. If we play to the strength of our character, however, we could easily look at those very pertinent questions as stepping stones that propel us to where we can and want to reach in life.

The questions then turn to:

• Who - who do we ask for advice in times of need?
• How - how do we get out of the state of being lost?

The "Who" first. My first preference has always been myself. No one can know me better than me (apart from my wife of course - she does!). Usually, we have the answer. We just need the requisite strength to accept the answer and move forward. In the rare case when we do not, we need external agents of advice. They come in form of friends, family and mentors. All our work in our life to surround ourselves with people that we trust, and who are hopefully smarter than us, comes in handy in this time of need.

The "How" requires more work. Here is what I practice:

• Define, very clearly, what it is that you want to do.
• In an absence of that definition, do what you have to do till you can do what you want to do.
• Whatever you do, no matter how big or small, should take you closer to your goal.
• Surround yourself with smart people that you can rely on in times of need.
• Realize that goals can change over time. Be open and receptive to change.

Getting lost and continuing to walk and doing what needs to be done can be one of the best things that happen to us.  As long as we return home, that could be a great journey. 

What do you do when you think you are lost? Let me know via a comment below or by using this.

Lessons for a father - Someone Else's Shoes

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I realized, again, last week that there are at least 2 ways of doing anything. There is the correct way and the "other" way. I also realized that the correct way requires a lot of things to go right. Sometimes one event can trigger a chain reaction that derails even the best laid plans. 

All that is a known fact though. Something else that is universally known is the idea of leadership that asks its followers to walk in someone else's shoes. Sadly, with the speed at which the world goes around, it is hard to do that. Hard but not impossible. Empathy can, sometimes, positively impact adversity, but we get so bogged down by making things happen that we forget the most basic of all our virtues - that of being human.

As leaders, both at work and home, it is easy to tell people what, when and how to accomplish something. Personally, I do not think that is leadership at all. Engaging people, helping them understand and grow and working within a framework where we realize human limitations seem more like leadership to me. 

For an instance, we can keep forcing our son to walk and run and do math or start talking in well structured sentences. I think all we will mostly get, out of this brand of "leadership", is failure and frustration. On the other hand, if we help our son grow but allow him to take his time to get to the ultimate goal of acquiring knowledge, I think both of us will end up learning and being better at whatever we want to achieve.

At work too, if we can cultivate an appreciation of empathy and understanding towards our peers, and create a framework where constant and continuous learning and improvement happens, the rewards could be far better and deeper than projects finishing on time.

Here are a few things I am thinking of incorporating better in my life:

• At least for a week in a year, we must do something at work that has nothing to do with our job.
• Instead of waiting for someone to finish talking so we can talk we MUST, genuinely, listen.
• Let us NEVER compare one person with another. We can never have a complete understanding of someone's life.
• Let us appreciate the fact that people make a lot of sacrifices to do what they do.
• Let us realize that a team, professional or familial, is of people. Everything else is secondary.
• Let us have and exercise patience. Greatness is never achieved over night. 

Do you think empathy has a place in today's leadership?

Lessons for a father - Unfashioned. Unframed. Chaos.

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I do not like what it stands for, but for some odd reason I love the word! In one word we can explain so much that may happen around us and the state of things. A few weeks ago, I started reading about its origins and came to realize that it had a deeper meaning than I thought.

Chaos is from the Greek word Khaos, meaning "gaping void". A gaping void of what though? It stands for nothingness or an absence of anything. That is a part of what it stands for. Let us delve deeper.

From our perspective are we, as leaders and parents, creating a void by not doing what needs to be done sometimes?

The word, chaos, brings out a very negative emotion usually. I have hardly met anyone that wants or craves chaos. We, usually, prefer some sort of an order to things. Then why is it that we fail to remove chaos from our lives completely? Again, I do not have an answer to that.

Dive a little deeper and we will realize that according to mythology, Chaos was a confused shapeless mass from which the universe was developed into a cosmos, or harmonious order. Harmony came from chaos? That is indicative to me. Looks like someone took the opportunity of the void, the absence, and created balance. Can we emulate that behavior?

Here is what I would do.

• Remove everything that is superfluous. If we do not need it, there should not be any place for it in our mind or lives.
• Simplify. Make everything simple enough for anyone to understand. The simpler things are, the easier it would be for everyone to do and follow. Simple = less confusion = usually less chaos.
• Make good communication a necessity. Communication holds the key to our success. Try and do anything without good and clear communication and you will know what I mean.
• Have a vision. It is very hard to run a marathon without knowing when and where it ends. Without knowing where we are going, confusion and chaos will surely follow.
• Whatever you do, keep people first. If we all lay the ground work, through communication, clarity and a vision, and the main component - that of the human element, is taken care of chaos will not win.

There is a lot of good in this world. But, we also have a "lack" around us. There is, sometimes,  an absence of leadership, of good advice, of laughter, of food, of love and empathy, of kindness, of teamwork, of giving, of gratitude, and yes of balance among a great many other things.

I think it is time that we stepped up the proverbial plate and took up that challenge. Let us make remove chaos and create harmony.

What do you do to remove chaos from your personal or professional life?